My wife and I took our almost three year old daughter to the splash pad today. The kid had a blast. But while we were there, we noticed a boy, maybe 3 or 4 years old, was having some sunscreen applied. He wasn’t happy. Think of the furthest away from happy you can get, and add 20 more miles. That was this kid. I made a comment to my wife later, “Goodness. i’m glad ours isn’t that bad.”
Even if she hasn’t thrown a temper tantrum that bad, my daughter is a human, which means she was born with rebellion built in. Ever since the fall of man way back in Genesis, rebellion is something that has been a part of our DNA. Even researchers in the secular world are studying this and are finding that the rebel seems to be hard-wired into us. Of course, it doesn’t take a Ph.D. to figure out a 2 year old refusing to do anything you want them to do is anything but built in.
The question is what do we do about it.
My parenting life experience has been limited to a toddler so far, but after nearly 15 years interacting with teenagers in youth ministry, I have found a couple things (among many!) that help tackle this rebellion devil.
1. Discipline is as important as food to a child – no matter their age.
We feed our kids because they need it to live, and most parents try to feed their kiddos food that is healthy, that promotes good habits and a healthy lifestyle. This includes limiting sugar to minimizing happy meals, etc., to making sure they get the nutrients they need to grow healthy and strong. Discipline is the same.
Proverbs 22:15 tells us that folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but discipline will drive it away. Remember that kid I told you about earlier? After he was slathered in sunscreen, he slammed his hand on the table and began to scream at the top of his lungs. I waited to see what discipline he would get. Nothing. He was told to go play in the water.
It made me think, “How would I have responded in that situation?” We would have gone to the bathroom and he would have gotten a good talking to and a spanking. As I thought about it throughout the day, I saw how great of an analogy feeding your kid was to discipline.
Some people give great discipline and it creates strong, healthy children. It creates teenagers who don’t rebel because the folly has been driven out by constructive discipline. Some parents, however, give discipline that is unhealthy. It is either inconsistent, destructive, or non-existent. Most times you can tell the type of discipline a child has received by their actions, especially when they get to be teenagers. You want to be sure, as a parent, you drive out that rebellion before they get to the age where they can really begin to negatively impact their lives. Pitching a fit when they don’t get a popsicle is an issue, but it is minor in comparison to a teenager rebelling with major destructive influences like drugs or alcohol.
I have to remind myself to be sure my wife and I are on the same page when it comes to discipline. Since Monique spends most of the day with Vivi, we make sure to communicate on what Vivi is allowed to or not to do, even to the point of asking Monique if it is okay if Vivi has that snack she begs me for each afternoon when I get home. If Monique has spent the last two hours telling her no, and then I walk in and give it to her, what I have done is fed her inconsistency which is not healthy, neither for Vivi, nor for my relationship with Monique.
A healthy menu takes thought, planning, and implementation. So does discipline.
2. Be careful what fruit you are growing. Apples don’t fall far from the apple tree.
Vivi is a lot like me. I mean a lot. There are times when I watch how she responds to things sometimes and I realize that her actions are reflecting what I would consider a character flaw in myself. Don’t get me wrong, I love that my little girl has a strong, independent personality, but I have seen her respond at times with frustration, aggressiveness, or anger, and I think to myself, “Did I teach her that somehow?” It’s made me realize that my child’s attitude begins with mine.
Matthew 7:3 speaks of Jesus talking to the Pharisees, asking them why they are looking at the speck in someone else’s eye, but they ignore the plank in their own?
I have to be careful how I act so that my daughter doesn’t learn bad behavior. I heard a quote once: “Yell, and you will raise a yeller.” It works as a fill in the blank too, just add your verb: ___________, and you will raise a ______________.
Parents have the monumental task of raising children. It is hard. It is exhausting. It will take you to the end of your rope. But it is also the greatest honor you’ll take on. We as parents have a responsibility to raise up our children in the way they should go, and because of this, we have to be dedicated to living out what we want to see produced in our children’s lives.
Just as an apple is found under an apple tree, a child who lives for God is found in the home of parents who live for God. If you want a child who has a healthy prayer life, you need to have a healthy prayer life. If you want to see good in your child, goodness needs to be in you!
You may be thinking right now of a good person, a good parent, whose child has made bad decisions that don’t reflect what I’m talking about in this post. I realize it happens. But if your child is still under the age of 18 years old, you are still where the buck stops. As your child goes from being a kid to the brink of adulthood, the discipline you provide, while it is different, must still be present. You probably won’t be spanking your 17 year old anytime soon, but I believe discipline isn’t always just a response to bad actions. It can be used to encourage good actions as well. By the time your child leaves your house, they need to know self-discipline as much as they know physical discipline. That’s the difference. A parent of a child needs to make right decisions for the child, but the parent of the teen needs to have taught the teen how to make right decisions for themselves. A child who has had no physical discipline becomes a teenager who has no self-discipline.
Children need discipline, but the longer I am a parent, the more I realize that discipline begins in me. If I want my child to become a heathy adult, I need to be sure I am giving consistent, constructive discipline, but also that I am producing, in my life, the things I want to see in my child. It is tough. It means you need to evaluate your actions as much as – if not more – than your child’s actions. I want to see Galatians 5:22-23 in my children’s lives. So I need to make sure I can see Galatians 5:22-23 in my life.
Ask God to help you be consistent and constructive in your discipline, and that he would show you areas of your life that need some work.
Be constructive. Be consistent. And let it begin in you.
Be blessed!
J