There are times in our lives when we enter into moments of supernatural clarity where God lets us see what we either never could see, or never wanted to recognize. At this point, you have two options: 1. Forget about it and soldier on, or 2. Let God show you what he wants to, believing that he really does know best for you.
I went with option two, but let me warn you, if you take option two, get ready. The road is going to make you face some things that are going to hurt. But I promise you, like a skilled surgeon, God is doing what is best for you by dealing with the problems in you, the things he shows you.
About three weeks ago, God began opening my eyes to some things in my life during my prayer times. It was kind of out of the blue, so, to be honest, it caught me by surprise. But for me, it was what I’d like to call character flaws.
Several weeks back, Vivi was doing something she knows she was not supposed to do, so I told her to stop it. She kept on, and it just made me furious! I yelled, “Vivi, stop it! Why are you doing that!?!” It scared her, and the moment I looked in her little face, I was so ashamed I’d lost my temper. I turned to walk away, and I heard God’s voice so clearly in my head, “Jason, she’s two.” It cut to the quick. I felt hurt, ashamed, embarrassed, and finally compassion. I turned to her and wrapped her up in my arms and said, “Daddy is so sorry for yelling. I love you.” I was in tears.
That was the moment the opening bell of this journey I have been on struck. A couple of days later during our worship time at our all-staff meeting at church, God gave me a vision:
I was walking along this dark, narrow road. The land was desolate, but I was leaning forward, as if walking into a stiff wind. I thought to myself, “This is great! I am striving towards the goal! Yes!” But as my vision was opened to a wider view of the scene, rather than straining towards a goal, I was fighting against ropes wrapped around me that were attempting to pull me back, or at the least, stop my progression. As I looked closer, I saw what appeared to be demonic-like figures at the end of the ropes, and others were attempting to lasso me with others still. God then directed my focus to my back, where a large meat hook attached to a chain was buried in my flesh. The chain went way back down the road, so far that I couldn’t see where it ended. I remember not feeling any pain, which made me realize it had been there so long, it had become a part of me. Something was holding me back, which allowed other evils to ensnare me.
I talked with my pastor about it and after a few days of prayer, it hit me. The chain was anger, and it had been with me a long time, and it was slowing my progression allowing other things to ensnare me. It was the thing holding me back. It was my character flaw.
As I thought about it more, it made more sense. The rude driver who cut me off. The slow cashier. The computer that was supposed to work. The plan that was supposed to play out. The comment that was given innocently, but received by my brain as a personal attack. Frustrations. Annoyances. Inconveniences. It all boiled down to one thing, and it made perfect sense. I was angry.
So I had to figure out what I was angry about. My pastor, Chuck Warnock, and I visited again. He said, “Volcanos are important, but not as important as figuring out the source of the volcano. If you don’t treat the source, you’ll spend your life fighting them.” So we both spent more time in prayer, and after those few days, I felt like God had given me clarity.
I wasn’t mad at God, even though many people who are angry ultimately are. I wasn’t mad at my family, or my upbringing. They have both been great. I wasn’t mad at my wife, or my daughter. Have you seen them? How could I be mad!?!? But I finally figured it out:
I was mad at me.
When someone would ask me to do the impossible, I would deliver. But I knew there was a time when I would fail, so my view of myself was determined by that expected failure. I had relationships that ended badly, leaving me to assume there was something wrong with me. I had been overlooked, undervalued, and even stabbed in the back a few times. But for some reason, rather that pushing the emotion to someone or something else, I focused it inward. I let the inward magma chamber build, and others would have to deal with the outflow of my frustration through volcanos. I thought just keeping it in would fix it and not hurt anyone else. What a lie! I turned the anger inwards, and it was destroying me and everything I knew.
I’ve also come to realize that when people are in the spotlight like I have been in ministry, you develop this false mindset that you can’t let anyone know you have an issue, otherwise it devalues your message or ministry. Even pastors are people who have to deal with things in their lives. Granted, you can’t shout it from the rooftops, but if you are a pastor or minister reading this, you MUST find someone or a team whom you can talk to about these character flaws. These are people who, like God, want the best for you. You don’t have to just bury it and hope it stays there. Let someone help you. I am convinced there are some issues that we simply cannot overcome with out help from someone else. I think God did that on purpose too. Get help. Get free. Get on with the purpose God has for you.
Alcoholics Anonymous tells us that knowing the problem is half the battle. Now I knew what the vision was all about and what God was trying to show me, and because of that, I knew God was going to lead me out of an angry lifestyle. But how? There is no magic off switch. So most likely, God is going to allow frustrating situations to enter my life so that he can show me how to handle them in a godly manner. I’m ready.
Here’s why I’m ready: It isn’t because I am tired of leaving a path of destruction. It isn’t because I am tired of always having a bad view of my self-worth and value. Those things matter. they matter a lot. But what I have realized is that my character flaw has the potential to destroy my purpose. What that told me was that if I wanted to fulfill God’s purpose in my life, I had better handle the things that would keep me from it.
It has been an interesting three weeks. I am going to post some things tomorrow that I have learned so far that have allowed me to make monumental strides. It is great that God is helping me with this. It is great Pastor Chuck, and Monique, and my parents, Marvin and Gwen, and my friend Stephen are helping me with this. But I feel I have an obligation to tell you how I am overcoming this flaw in the hopes maybe you can too.
Would you walk this thing out with me? I hope you will, and in the process, that God would show you things in your life – even things you never thought of – that are holding you back from your destiny in Jesus Christ.
I have felt like the servant of Elisha throughout these few weeks, who was allowed to see the fiery armies of God encamped about them, something he couldn’t see before. What I couldn’t see before, I can now see. It was the result of Elisha’s prayer that I pray over you now:
2 Kings 6:17 “O Lord, please open his eyes that he may see.”
Be blessed,
J